The 5 Love Languages at 30

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Why have they endured as a self-help phenomenon?
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The pastor Gary Chapman created the concept of “love languages” 30 years ago. In his hugely popular book, “The 5 Love Languages,” he proposed that the ways people prefer to have love communicated to them fall into five categories, or “languages”: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts and physical touch.
If my love language is “words of affirmation” and yours is “receiving gifts,” you may assume that giving me a thoughtful present will demonstrate how much you care, while in reality, I’d prefer that you write me a letter telling me as much. If we learn one another’s love languages we will theoretically be able to more effectively communicate with our partners (or children or bosses or friends).
I searched my Twitter feed recently for instances of people discussing their love languages. The concept had morphed into a meme, a new and mostly jokey way for people to talk about the idiosyncratic ways they like to give and receive love. In July 2020, the writer Michelle Markowitz tweeted, “My love language is taking myself off mute to be the one person who laughs when someone makes a joke that bombs.” The comedian and actor Jaboukie Young-White declared, “My love language is blackhead removal.” The actress and comedian Jean Villepique asked, “What if your family’s love language is Vera Bradley patterns?”
As Chapman told The Times recently, he doesn’t think this meme in which people declare their hyper-specific love languages has yet resulted in the discovery of new ones. “To him, the memes all sound like ‘dialects’ — or versions — of the original five,” wrote my colleague Alisha Haridasani Gupta.
Among my friends, a skeptical bunch if ever there was, there’s a certain reverence reserved for the love languages. Are they corny, reductive and heteronormative? Perhaps. But once we move past the caveats, our discussion of the languages are usually about how helpful they can be in framing communication issues in our relationships.
Why do the love languages continue to appeal even to people who might otherwise look askance at a personality quiz? I think the language of the love languages themselves has a lot to do with it.
Chapman articulated five discrete methods of giving and receiving love, a simple organizing framework for needs and desires that often feel irretrievably complicated. Without precluding talk therapy or courage journaling or other more time-consuming efforts to tease out why we are the way we are, the love languages offer a quick way in. Take the quiz, discover your love language, get busy improving your relationships. It’s attractively efficient and action-oriented.
The love languages get at a fundamental premise of self-help teachings — that we all want to be loved, to feel connection to one another. Or, as my colleague Ruth Graham wrote in Slate in 2015, begrudgingly admitting that Chapman’s theories might hold some water, “When it comes to loving and being loved, even the most jaded and worldly often feel deep insecurity.” She added, “If we can find some comfort and direction in a mega-best-seller with a tacky cover, so be it.”
Acts of service and words of affirmation at work: “Why Your Boss Wants to Know Your Love Language.”
In a time of war, “WhatsApp intimacy” became the sixth love language for Layla Kinjawi Faraj, the winner of our Modern Love college essay contest.
“Sometimes I feel as if, these days, for women, the love language should be getting whatever you want,” Lisa Taddeo wrote for Times Opinion.
In 2011, Bruce Feiler attended “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted,” a conference hosted by Gary Chapman.
Love Language,” by Ariana Grande.
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Capitol Music Group severed ties with FN Meka, a virtual rapper whose appearance some see as digital blackface.
Brown University acquired the papers of Mumia Abu-Jamal, a prominent face of the anti-death-penalty movement who is imprisoned in the 1981 murder of a police officer.
A famous portrait of Winston Churchill disappeared from a Canadian hotel, where staffers realized someone had swapped in a fake.
The Museum of the Bible returned a centuries-old handwritten gospel to the Greek Orthodox Church after determining it had been looted from a monastery in 1917.
A Texas church apologized for changing the lyrics in unauthorized productions of “Hamilton” to reflect Christian themes.
Donald Trump’s monthslong refusal to turn over classified documents prompted the search of his Florida home, an affidavit showed.
Justice Department officials had repeatedly tried other ways to get the material back before resorting to the F.B.I. search.
Some of the documents related to the use of informants in intelligence gathering. Their identities are among the government’s most closely held secrets.
The war in Ukraine is entering a stalemate phase.
Jerome Powell, the Fed chair, said it must continue to raise interest rates to bring inflation back under control.
Moderna sued Pfizer, accusing it of copying vaccine technology.

📺 “Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” (Thursday): It is a time of plenty for fantasy fans. On the heels of a “Game of Thrones” prequel series comes another prequel, this one from Amazon. Set thousands of years before the events of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “The Hobbit,” the show will trace, among other things, the forging of those titular rings as well as the rise of Sauron. (I’m hopeful he’s not just a giant flaming eye walking around for the whole season.) Prime Video will debut the first two episodes just in time for the Labor Day holiday weekend.
📚 “Afterlives” (Out now): Abdulrazak Gurnah, a British author born in what was then Zanzibar, won the 2021 Nobel Prize in Literature. The last time a Black writer had received the honor was in 1993. (That was the great Toni Morrison.) So Gurnah’s latest novel, set in German East Africa at the start of the 20th century, arrives in the U.S. with great fanfare. In her review of “Afterlives,” the novelist Imbolo Mbue wrote that Gurnah is “a novelist nonpareil, a master of the art form who understands human failings in conflicts both political and intimate.”

“Summer is a cooking season in which there is no set menu save what looks good at the store.” So wrote Sam Sifton some years ago. These are words to live by, especially right now in these last days of August. And I stand by his recipe suggestion for this moment: a juicy tomato and watermelon salad salted with feta, enriched with olive oil, sharpened with sherry vinegar. That’s practically the recipe right there, though the cooking notes give loads of suggestions for add-ins, including torn mint or basil, fresh corn kernels cut off the cob, cucumbers, avocado — though not necessarily all at once. I also like to serve this with grilled shrimp plopped right in the bowl. So many options, so few days of summer left …
A selection of New York Times recipes is available to all readers. Please consider a Cooking subscription for full access.
What you get for $800,000: A midcentury modern in Oklahoma City; a Colonial Revival in Montclair, N.J.; or a bungalow in St. Augustine, Fla.
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Smaller scale: No room for a sofa, but need something bigger than a chair? Consider the settee.
The right timing: Yes, sometimes it’s OK to give up your lease without signing a new one.
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‘Internal Brillo pad’: Chia seeds are regaining popularity as a nutritional food source.
Skywalking: Beginner-friendly climbing routes are being installed on cliffs across the U.S.
Making connections: Simple strategies like asking about their interests can help parents get back in sync with teens.
Little League World Series: This annual tournament has been running in Williamsport, Pa., since 1947, and while the spectacle keeps growing — TV cameras, announcers, a stadium that looks like a professional ballpark — the scene will feel familiar to anyone who played youth baseball or softball. Parents cheer from the stands while siblings occupy themselves with snacks. But on the field, kids compete for a spot in the record books. Semifinals start at 12:30 p.m. Eastern today, and the championship game is at 3 p.m. tomorrow, all on ABC.
The pangram from yesterday’s Spelling Bee was adjacency. Here is today’s puzzle.
Take the news quiz to see how well you followed this week’s headlines.
Here’s today’s Wordle. After, use our bot to get better.
Rain on a tent? Gregorian chant? This site lets you choose sounds to help you focus, relax or sleep.
Kids’ drawings made real.
Thanks for spending part of your weekend with The Times. — Melissa
Matthew Cullen, Ian Prasad Philbrick, Tom Wright-Piersanti and Ashley Wu contributed to The Morning. You can reach the team at
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